I sat around a crackling fire today, in cold darkness. Very few stars were out because the moon is bright and almost round. Full moon seems to be around the corner. One cannot expect a starry night on a full moon night after all. There was chatter and laughter around me. But it did not feel nice. I was drowning in the darkness, coming across thoughts that startled me, made me want to tear myself apart and remove these silly thoughts that dwelt in my being, silently growing, unwanted but still growing, like the poison of a slithery snake. 

Inevitably in life, there are these moments...of a desire to live in a memory that was so beautiful, of a desire to live in a dream fed everyday, of not wanting to be present, of hiding somewhere in the corner of some distant past or future. why? isn't it always refreshing to be present, to be alive, to be laughing about nothings with other people, to warm your feet over a golden fire on a chilly chilly night, to breathe...slowly but peacefully...

But this today, makes me want to shut all the doors of being. stare in silence. and be a fallen leaf. 

i can be a fallen leaf today and an alive blossom tomorrow. there is security in that. and a pride, of being human. and in lying motionless, there is saturation. sometimes, it is rightly said, you just have to saturate. and wait.