the long black tar road

i walked down the foggy road this morning, which, rolled itself up suddenly and punched me on my face! no kidding! i was like, what the hell?, what did i do wrong? wasn't this a perfectly beautiful day and perfectly beautiful morning and wasn't i out on a great creative new journey? i was really taken aback. the road however, rolled itself up with more strength and punched me harder. 

obviously, i sank in a black hole. can you fight a long black tar road? if you can, let me know how. but i couldn't. and i drowned and drowned. as i drowned i saw all the dirt accumulated in corners and the rotting little live bugs i wished to have forgotten. i tried to cry. so many tears sprang up that i wanted to stop. the cruel punch from the road was not enough or what? what will i do with all those tears?! so they stopped. then i called some people i knew will lift me up and kiss me on the cheek and smile a smile that'll make me take another road, not this mean one. one after the other, i called. all of them said its ok. please be better. we love you. i looked at the black tar road and made a funny face. i knew, someday, i will have climbed the hill and rolled the silly road myself  :) and i can't let it occupy a rent-less place in my heart like that. better to be forgiven! punch as much as you want, mean tar road!

indissoluble

what is it that you want?

 love.

 yes love. but what does that mean? 

care. attention. 

well, granted. ok? 

no, i want something more. 

what?

 i want love.

what exactly do you mean? 

well, love. you see. love.

that i do. i do love you. i don't have to say it all the time right? 

oh yes, of course. you don't, you shouldn't say it all the time.

then? you should know what you want. you have what you want. 

no. i want something else. 

tell me. put it in words.

i want to spend more time with you.

that we don't have.

well then, i want to spend more of myself with you. 

:)

and want to know more of you too.

well. we have our lives for that. 

oh no. this is not what i mean.

what do you mean?

i mean i want to be loved. intensely. the way i do.

really?

yes. thats what i want.

i can't give you that. there is only so much i can give.

but i want it from you.

where from?

where from?

this is me. 

but i can't live without you.

:)

eh? 

i dunno. 

sunset. songs. night. nightmares. sunrise. a smile. a new blossom outside the window. and another day... 

Ajji

I cannot help admiring the grace with which some people grow old. and equally so, cannot help hating people who don't.one thing is for sure, i don't want to tread the world for 75 years and then rest in bed because my knees hurt! shouldn't these many years add to the strength of the spirit of life? 

today i met a beautiful grandma. she wore a soft cotton sari, (signature beautiful-grandma-sari) and smiled with her eyes as much as with her wrinkled cheeks. i got slightly annoyed when she couldn't tell me her own address (how am i supposed to know where she lives when i was to meet her for the first time?) but that snapped away the instant i saw her open the door. i hugged her, as i cannot help affection overwhelm me most of the times, touched her feet too. she innocently looked at me when i gave her the apples i got her but made a face that said 'was this necessary?' and then she thrust in my hand a big mug of mild milk-less and sugarless amazing ginger tea! it was a foggy morning and we sat in the porch, sipping tea. i was in love with her, instantly. the way she walked around and made a fuss when i tried to help her and went on with her "when will i do the walking then?, shouldn't i get some exercise too?" (aww). her hero is Winni the Pooh, him all over her blankets and mugs and cushions and bookshelf! she has a wooden old swing all for herself in the garden! she has a study scattered with books and diaries and papers! she writes! she has friends she cares about (still)! and she stays alone...accepting the darkness as much as the light and realizing life every day, with a new spirit.

That must be nice, to grow old like this, fully, as a human being. i almost felt like i cannot wait to be a grandma.  

Submission

it is so cold. icy cold. my eyes could shatter like glass, if they choose to move. a frozen, stony moment...devoid of wetness, of a promise of growth, of fertility. 

Only my heart beats. Time treading with burdened arms, determined, resolved...

can anyone stop him? can anyone choose to be angry with him? can anyone slap him and make him wait?

some lover would've wished earnestly, some mother pleadingly, some father helplessly...

to each knock, only the echo exists. the doors remain closed. 

Time treads on, without looking back.

His superiority no one questions anymore. Oh how we yield to his indifference, his insolent arrogant power!

How helpless...how vain...to wait for him to look back, once...to expect him to stay till i can be comfortable with his pace.

such death, every moment of life. 

of companionship

I ran in the wilderness, ecstatic and free...

a huge banyan tree spread itself there

its long roots streaming from the heavy branches

its leaves shining and shivering in the wintry wind

i sat and looked at its grandeur

oh heavens, how grand a sight

of truth and beauty and being it sang

proudly yet modestly.

my heart jumped and skipped a beat

took in everything till it brimmed 

and when the sun set and my legs grew tired of running

i smiled wearily and with relief

that i had my little jasmine bush for me

flowering with love and delight.

all mine...

I sat around a crackling fire today, in cold darkness. Very few stars were out because the moon is bright and almost round. Full moon seems to be around the corner. One cannot expect a starry night on a full moon night after all. There was chatter and laughter around me. But it did not feel nice. I was drowning in the darkness, coming across thoughts that startled me, made me want to tear myself apart and remove these silly thoughts that dwelt in my being, silently growing, unwanted but still growing, like the poison of a slithery snake. 

Inevitably in life, there are these moments...of a desire to live in a memory that was so beautiful, of a desire to live in a dream fed everyday, of not wanting to be present, of hiding somewhere in the corner of some distant past or future. why? isn't it always refreshing to be present, to be alive, to be laughing about nothings with other people, to warm your feet over a golden fire on a chilly chilly night, to breathe...slowly but peacefully...

But this today, makes me want to shut all the doors of being. stare in silence. and be a fallen leaf. 

i can be a fallen leaf today and an alive blossom tomorrow. there is security in that. and a pride, of being human. and in lying motionless, there is saturation. sometimes, it is rightly said, you just have to saturate. and wait. 

Truth

She stood there, candid and transparent. She looked at what she saw, fearless of what it is. I haven’t seen fear in her eyes. What amuses me is the plainness of her pure questioning eyes. There was no anger, never, there was no complacence, no pride, no joy and oh most importantly, there was absolutely no condescendence. She merely expressed herself. It did not shock me. It made me breathe a sigh of relief…She exists.