i woke up like an empty cloud today, drifting in mid space, having forgotten the state of mind i slept in, with the taste of sad dreams on my tongue. and so i purposelessly walked about the house, brushed my teeth, felt a little startled to see myself in the mirror. i did exist. then i made some warm water and sat in the garden, trying to remember what my plans for today were. instead, my mind had decided to dwell on other things. i remembered my childhood. i remembered how the garden has changed over the years. when i was small, i would dance on my father's car when it rained, looking at the open sky. and then jumped in the lawn across. i remembered how my brother stood at the gate with a brown little puppy he picked up on the street and asked mum if we could keep it. we named him jerry, and he stayed with us for long. i remembered how i would look at the sky and see the face of the guy from school i was in love with and a sing a filmy hindi song and smile to myself. i remembered how i smoked my first cigarette with my brother and my cousin under the pretext of 'experimenting' how rose petals change their color to purple when you let out your smoke on them. i remembered later days as well. the day i broke up and my friends came with a chocolate cake to cheer me up. how mom, dad and i sat and talked till late that night.
then i got up and left. forgetting about all these things all over again. living my present, living new dreams, new adventures. no matter how much the heart breaks, it still beats slowly and lives on. in the hope of a fulfilled dream. in the hope of finding everything that it yearns for. or simply, to express everything that it lives, lives for, lives with.
my cloud finally burst into rain in the evening. and the emptiness i felt in the morning was gone. only because, i know, someday, i am going to find everything i am looking for. and i won't look back till i do. and perhaps, this aliveness within me, is all i need to keep going...(if i go on writing, i will realize that that's not true. i do need a lot other things, so i better stop, not out of fear, only to let me cherish what i found today...) :-)